(no subject)
Mar. 3rd, 2003 06:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
inteligrrlI've spent the whole day either in or on the brink of tears.
I never cry. I don't like to cry. I don't like the people who can make me cry.
There are two things I have never been able to forgive people for: scarring me, badly, and making me cry. The only people who have ever been able to make me cry were people I cared about very deeply. I tend to be a painfully sensitive person, and because of that I refuse to let things said by people I don't know bother me. Only people I care about and trust enough will I let close enough to hurt me.
My mother, despite the fact that I know better, refuses to be completely exorcised from that short list.
Most the time I avoid her or tune her out enough that I can be unaffected by her, but every once in a while, usually when I most want her to approve or assure me, I let down my guard. Somehow it always ends up that whatever hurt I have, whatever problem is in my life, whatever feeling I might posses is turned into evidence that I am wrong about something, and if I try to defend or even explain it's some kind of major attack on her.
She leaves, feeling that I have grievously wronged her, and will spend the next several months being angry with me and saying things that could serve no purpose other than to hurt me. Me? I spend the rest of the day between tears and absolute furry. Later, when she says/does hurtful things I can't get upset. If she thinks I'm upset she'll force a "talk" about whatever the issue, and yet again it will degenerate that she's always right in everything, and I'm an awful horrible person.
Every thing's all my fault.
The only way to break this cycle is if I go and crush every single instinct for self defense and beg her forgiveness for every god-damned thing that I have ever done, or that is wrong in her life. I have to be careful not to imply that I feel any kind of resentment for having to do this, or she starts saying that I'm just trying to turn things around and play the victim in my own delusional fantasies.
God forbid she should actually owe me an apology.
Despite all this, despite the fact that I could almost swear that I hate her, I can't bring myself to strike back. I could tell her things that would hurt her so badly. I know where her jugular is, just as she knows mine so intimately. I could repeat all the things I've thought or planned or done because of her, and it would absolutely break her heart. But I can't.
God help me, I can't do that to her.
I love my mother. I love her so much it hurts, and it's only because I can't take being suicidal all the time that I try to isolate her from my heart in the first place.
As an added bonus I can't hate people. The only person I've ever come close to hating is the one person who ever truly terrified me, and I often wonder if I could have if I had had any kind of real relationship with him.
I'm a gentle person. I can't bear raised voices or anger. It's very rare that I will be deliberately cruel to anyone. What kind of defense does a person like me have against people who would hurt me? None.
The most I can do is be careful. I'm careful with how much I let people know me. 3/4ths the people I know think I'm either cold or extremely serious. If you know me as something more than that then you're quite lucky. I watch what I say and when I say it. I sit in the corner most the time and I bring a book or my laptop everywhere to give me a reason to hide.
If I've let you in than I've given you the power to hurt me. All I can do is hope that they're careful. I forgive everything but making me cry. Once you've made me cry then there's no chance that you'll ever be allowed to know me any deeper. I won't trust you that much ever again.
The only exemption to this rule seems to be my mother, and I wish to God I could just block her out entirely.
I'm getting calmer now, and hopefully I'll be able to sit through math class without tearing up again. All I can say is thank God everyone's going out of town on Wednesday.
I never cry. I don't like to cry. I don't like the people who can make me cry.
There are two things I have never been able to forgive people for: scarring me, badly, and making me cry. The only people who have ever been able to make me cry were people I cared about very deeply. I tend to be a painfully sensitive person, and because of that I refuse to let things said by people I don't know bother me. Only people I care about and trust enough will I let close enough to hurt me.
My mother, despite the fact that I know better, refuses to be completely exorcised from that short list.
Most the time I avoid her or tune her out enough that I can be unaffected by her, but every once in a while, usually when I most want her to approve or assure me, I let down my guard. Somehow it always ends up that whatever hurt I have, whatever problem is in my life, whatever feeling I might posses is turned into evidence that I am wrong about something, and if I try to defend or even explain it's some kind of major attack on her.
She leaves, feeling that I have grievously wronged her, and will spend the next several months being angry with me and saying things that could serve no purpose other than to hurt me. Me? I spend the rest of the day between tears and absolute furry. Later, when she says/does hurtful things I can't get upset. If she thinks I'm upset she'll force a "talk" about whatever the issue, and yet again it will degenerate that she's always right in everything, and I'm an awful horrible person.
Every thing's all my fault.
The only way to break this cycle is if I go and crush every single instinct for self defense and beg her forgiveness for every god-damned thing that I have ever done, or that is wrong in her life. I have to be careful not to imply that I feel any kind of resentment for having to do this, or she starts saying that I'm just trying to turn things around and play the victim in my own delusional fantasies.
God forbid she should actually owe me an apology.
Despite all this, despite the fact that I could almost swear that I hate her, I can't bring myself to strike back. I could tell her things that would hurt her so badly. I know where her jugular is, just as she knows mine so intimately. I could repeat all the things I've thought or planned or done because of her, and it would absolutely break her heart. But I can't.
God help me, I can't do that to her.
I love my mother. I love her so much it hurts, and it's only because I can't take being suicidal all the time that I try to isolate her from my heart in the first place.
As an added bonus I can't hate people. The only person I've ever come close to hating is the one person who ever truly terrified me, and I often wonder if I could have if I had had any kind of real relationship with him.
I'm a gentle person. I can't bear raised voices or anger. It's very rare that I will be deliberately cruel to anyone. What kind of defense does a person like me have against people who would hurt me? None.
The most I can do is be careful. I'm careful with how much I let people know me. 3/4ths the people I know think I'm either cold or extremely serious. If you know me as something more than that then you're quite lucky. I watch what I say and when I say it. I sit in the corner most the time and I bring a book or my laptop everywhere to give me a reason to hide.
If I've let you in than I've given you the power to hurt me. All I can do is hope that they're careful. I forgive everything but making me cry. Once you've made me cry then there's no chance that you'll ever be allowed to know me any deeper. I won't trust you that much ever again.
The only exemption to this rule seems to be my mother, and I wish to God I could just block her out entirely.
I'm getting calmer now, and hopefully I'll be able to sit through math class without tearing up again. All I can say is thank God everyone's going out of town on Wednesday.
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(no subject)
Date: 2003-03-03 06:30 pm (UTC)i do stick around with some people who make me cry (i.e. significant others) but i NEVER forget, and i never open up that way again. eventually there's nothing left and they don't know a damned thing about what's going on in my head, and at that point, it's over...even if it drags on for a while longer while i try to get up the strength to get out. i can't hate anyone either...i can be extremely angry and resentful for a while, but i can't actively wish bad things on them. arguments upset me so much that i block out what was said and sometimes even what it was about within a few minutes.
immediate family's rather hard to break up with, though.
i wish there was something i could do to help...but all i can give you are text hugs... =/
*HUGS*
you're a beautiful person with a heart too big for this fucking nasty world. if only people would appreciate that instead of abusing it.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-03-03 08:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-03-04 02:31 am (UTC)*hugs again* I wish I could do more, but... yeah. I'm here if there's anything I can do, or if you just need someone to vent at, or whatever.