A Downer of a post...
Jun. 9th, 2003 10:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
inteligrrlHere's something I wrote a few days ago when I was feeling particularly down, so be warned. ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lunarennui and kaytee4ever, you might enjoy it.
Haven't you ever just felt like walking out of the house and going as far as it takes to find a secluded little space and blowing your brains out? Not because you're particularly depressed or angsting but because deep in your gut you know that things will never be any easier or any worse than they are now and that sameness stretching out forever is just too unbearable for words. It's there no mater where you are and no matter what you're doing and deep in your gut you know that it will never change.
The sameness is there when you wake up in the morning and when you go to bed at night. It's the reason why as you fill up your coffee cup you can't help but think "I want to die" or "I wish I was dead".
Your friends would probably be horrified if they knew how often that thought runs through your head, how many times you let it slip past your lips in a murmer that feels sinful in a dark chocolate kind of way. You find it funny sometimes to sit there and think about their reactions, not that you want to cause them pain, but because they're so scared of the words that they don't notice how there really is no emotion surrounding the words, just a gaping emptiness.
It's the emptiness that scares you, or it would if it could touch you. Somehow there's a dark delight in the way you feel so empty. It gives you this detached knowledge that it's the emptiness that should scare you, but like everything else it is easily dismissed.
The lack of thought in the emptiness is big and black and empty and oh so beautiful. When you were younger it felt as if your brain would simply never shut up and that hurt and was oh so scary. Now the emptiness is like a beautiful dark pond you can immerse yourself in and float in the middle of and in the middle of the night you can lie there awake in the middle of it and think and feel nothing. It feels so beautiful. It feels like death.
Sometimes that much beauty is frightening, and you pull back and talk about growing and being a healthier person, but really all you want is to let yourself go back into its lovely depths. It's more addictive than any drug. You think if more people just understood this they wouldn't be horrified and try to fix you when you slip up and say something.
Everybody wants to believe in life after death. They want to believe they go on to something better and that they can see the people they loved again. They want it and believe it and they sound so very sure and that really terrifies you. It's the reason why even though you live every day wishing for death you probably won't ever kill yourself, because you can't help but worry that they're right and even though the middle of that big empty pond feels like death, what if it isn't really? What if dying meant you were really trapped somewhere, no matter how wonderful or horrible? You have a feeling that they don't let you disappear into the emptiness on the post-mortal plane.
You don't mind believing in God, worshiping him in this life, but you can't help but wish he'd be content with new playthings on earth and let your spirit simply cease to exist. You don't need a many roomed mansion or to see your Great-Aunt Bertha again, you just need to be allowed to let it all go, for good.
The idea that death is just the process of letting it all go and dissolving into the emptiness is something that you can't help but be drawn to. You long for it as much as you can long for anything while floating in the midst of that empty pool, and in the moments when you forget your worries you can feel death calling to you like an old friend, whispering against your flesh like a shy lover. And isn't it perfectly ironic that you stay alive so that you can live in death?
lunarennui and kaytee4ever, you might enjoy it.Haven't you ever just felt like walking out of the house and going as far as it takes to find a secluded little space and blowing your brains out? Not because you're particularly depressed or angsting but because deep in your gut you know that things will never be any easier or any worse than they are now and that sameness stretching out forever is just too unbearable for words. It's there no mater where you are and no matter what you're doing and deep in your gut you know that it will never change.
The sameness is there when you wake up in the morning and when you go to bed at night. It's the reason why as you fill up your coffee cup you can't help but think "I want to die" or "I wish I was dead".
Your friends would probably be horrified if they knew how often that thought runs through your head, how many times you let it slip past your lips in a murmer that feels sinful in a dark chocolate kind of way. You find it funny sometimes to sit there and think about their reactions, not that you want to cause them pain, but because they're so scared of the words that they don't notice how there really is no emotion surrounding the words, just a gaping emptiness.
It's the emptiness that scares you, or it would if it could touch you. Somehow there's a dark delight in the way you feel so empty. It gives you this detached knowledge that it's the emptiness that should scare you, but like everything else it is easily dismissed.
The lack of thought in the emptiness is big and black and empty and oh so beautiful. When you were younger it felt as if your brain would simply never shut up and that hurt and was oh so scary. Now the emptiness is like a beautiful dark pond you can immerse yourself in and float in the middle of and in the middle of the night you can lie there awake in the middle of it and think and feel nothing. It feels so beautiful. It feels like death.
Sometimes that much beauty is frightening, and you pull back and talk about growing and being a healthier person, but really all you want is to let yourself go back into its lovely depths. It's more addictive than any drug. You think if more people just understood this they wouldn't be horrified and try to fix you when you slip up and say something.
Everybody wants to believe in life after death. They want to believe they go on to something better and that they can see the people they loved again. They want it and believe it and they sound so very sure and that really terrifies you. It's the reason why even though you live every day wishing for death you probably won't ever kill yourself, because you can't help but worry that they're right and even though the middle of that big empty pond feels like death, what if it isn't really? What if dying meant you were really trapped somewhere, no matter how wonderful or horrible? You have a feeling that they don't let you disappear into the emptiness on the post-mortal plane.
You don't mind believing in God, worshiping him in this life, but you can't help but wish he'd be content with new playthings on earth and let your spirit simply cease to exist. You don't need a many roomed mansion or to see your Great-Aunt Bertha again, you just need to be allowed to let it all go, for good.
The idea that death is just the process of letting it all go and dissolving into the emptiness is something that you can't help but be drawn to. You long for it as much as you can long for anything while floating in the midst of that empty pool, and in the moments when you forget your worries you can feel death calling to you like an old friend, whispering against your flesh like a shy lover. And isn't it perfectly ironic that you stay alive so that you can live in death?