What a wandering mind I have tonight.
Sep. 18th, 2002 02:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
inteligrrlApologies for the non-editing, but I had to write this when it popped in my head. Therefore it flows fairly well, but not perfectly.
What I Want
by J. Lynn
"Hon, do you --" the words trail off and I stop for a moment. Just to look.
He's not what most people would consider beautiful. In fact when I met him, I thought he was quite plain, to put it kindly. But I've never been one to let looks stop me from being friendly and having a good (i.e. semi-intelligent) conversation. So we talked, and things clicked.
After about four months of friendship and ocasional meet-ups, I owned I ~liked~ him. That shy little liking that's about as far as I usually let it go with most people. But I still didn't get much more than a slight twinge when I'd see him in his best outfit.
A few months later he asked me out. It'd been long enough since my last foray, and I was interested enough, that I was able to mostly blow off my "But what if?" misgivings and say yes.
Thank God.
It's been about a year since then. I still don't think he's gorgeous, but he can make me weak in the knees when he walks in with that feeling to him, or when he gets that look in his eye that says "I'm absolutely brilliant, and in two seconds I'm going to get all technical and prove it to you".
He loves me, for and dispite all my messes, and that makes me love him, for and despite all his messes. I love that. It makes me feel good about myself. It makes me feel like I'm beautiful in a way that people who don't have this could never be. And to me he's beautiful that way to. I think it's more a feeling than anything else. It's what makes me smile when he does something that's so uniquely him. I love him, for everything that is the essence of him, and I can feel the same from him.
I think it's the feeling of him that I love the most. It's what makes me stop when I walk in the room sometimes just to look at him. He feels like home, and love and that mellow-manic-quirky energy that's just uniquely him. It's what makes him more beautiful than any Michael, David, or Anne-Marie that walks down the street. I'm not blind to his faults, but love can let you see the best of a person every once in a while. And when he turns around to ask me what I was going to say, I give him one of those soft, light kisses that is better in its own way than all the makeout scenes in all the movies showing downtown. It's the kind of kiss that's short and sweet, and feels like that plain, simple, constant kind of love that makes everything have a mellow-happy feeling for a little bit.
So I feel that calm-mellow-happy for a minute, before getting back to business with a little smile that I didn't remember I had a minute before.
fin
That's what I want. And one day I'll have it, or something like it.
Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I have elaborate vissions or anything, but there are certain things I get vague, but deffinite gut feelings about. My future is one of them.
Oddest thing about this is that I know it'll be a guy. Yes, I'm bi, I'm equally attracted to guys as I am girls, I've always been a 'it's the person not the sex' kind of girl, but I also just *know* some things.
I know, one day, I'll fall. Hard. I'll be somewhere from late 20's to early 40's, and it will be dead serious. I'll be able to open up, and just be myself. For once in my life I'll be more than simply content. I'm not some dumb, giggly girl. For all that I write about it, I have a great mistrust of what people call love and, frankly, I'm just not that interested in it. But this person will be my exception, and it will be a 'him'. It won't be easy; it'll be complex, messy and difficult like anything real is. I don't know if it'll last, but it'll be worth it to be that real for once.
I don't know anything more about it. It could last for six months, or the rest of my life. It could be all kinds of things, I don't know. I don't want to know everything. All I need is the knowledge that it will be that solid/messy/difficult/wonderful *real* in a way so few things are to me. It's enough to know that it will happen.
What I Want
by J. Lynn
"Hon, do you --" the words trail off and I stop for a moment. Just to look.
He's not what most people would consider beautiful. In fact when I met him, I thought he was quite plain, to put it kindly. But I've never been one to let looks stop me from being friendly and having a good (i.e. semi-intelligent) conversation. So we talked, and things clicked.
After about four months of friendship and ocasional meet-ups, I owned I ~liked~ him. That shy little liking that's about as far as I usually let it go with most people. But I still didn't get much more than a slight twinge when I'd see him in his best outfit.
A few months later he asked me out. It'd been long enough since my last foray, and I was interested enough, that I was able to mostly blow off my "But what if?" misgivings and say yes.
Thank God.
It's been about a year since then. I still don't think he's gorgeous, but he can make me weak in the knees when he walks in with that feeling to him, or when he gets that look in his eye that says "I'm absolutely brilliant, and in two seconds I'm going to get all technical and prove it to you".
He loves me, for and dispite all my messes, and that makes me love him, for and despite all his messes. I love that. It makes me feel good about myself. It makes me feel like I'm beautiful in a way that people who don't have this could never be. And to me he's beautiful that way to. I think it's more a feeling than anything else. It's what makes me smile when he does something that's so uniquely him. I love him, for everything that is the essence of him, and I can feel the same from him.
I think it's the feeling of him that I love the most. It's what makes me stop when I walk in the room sometimes just to look at him. He feels like home, and love and that mellow-manic-quirky energy that's just uniquely him. It's what makes him more beautiful than any Michael, David, or Anne-Marie that walks down the street. I'm not blind to his faults, but love can let you see the best of a person every once in a while. And when he turns around to ask me what I was going to say, I give him one of those soft, light kisses that is better in its own way than all the makeout scenes in all the movies showing downtown. It's the kind of kiss that's short and sweet, and feels like that plain, simple, constant kind of love that makes everything have a mellow-happy feeling for a little bit.
So I feel that calm-mellow-happy for a minute, before getting back to business with a little smile that I didn't remember I had a minute before.
fin
That's what I want. And one day I'll have it, or something like it.
Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I have elaborate vissions or anything, but there are certain things I get vague, but deffinite gut feelings about. My future is one of them.
Oddest thing about this is that I know it'll be a guy. Yes, I'm bi, I'm equally attracted to guys as I am girls, I've always been a 'it's the person not the sex' kind of girl, but I also just *know* some things.
I know, one day, I'll fall. Hard. I'll be somewhere from late 20's to early 40's, and it will be dead serious. I'll be able to open up, and just be myself. For once in my life I'll be more than simply content. I'm not some dumb, giggly girl. For all that I write about it, I have a great mistrust of what people call love and, frankly, I'm just not that interested in it. But this person will be my exception, and it will be a 'him'. It won't be easy; it'll be complex, messy and difficult like anything real is. I don't know if it'll last, but it'll be worth it to be that real for once.
I don't know anything more about it. It could last for six months, or the rest of my life. It could be all kinds of things, I don't know. I don't want to know everything. All I need is the knowledge that it will be that solid/messy/difficult/wonderful *real* in a way so few things are to me. It's enough to know that it will happen.
