The roundabout reason why I've not been posting...

[inteligrrl]

Apathy is my blessing and my cross.

I've developed a tendency to block myself off emotionally from people and things that might hurt me. I developed this as a form of defense against my mother, who has the ability to send me into suicidal depression. And while I greatly appreciate this ability to just not care when people hurt me, there are definitely drawbacks.

I start avoiding people, even people I really like, because I just can't bring myself to interact with anyone. I don't want to do papers, I don't want to get up in the morning, I don't want to write. Sometimes I don't even want to read. The only thing I do want to do is curl up in the corner of my closet. If it's not essential I won't accomplish anything. In my time between classes I find myself sitting in my car refusing to think about the homework I have due. It's always a major decision if I'm going to turn on aim or not.

I can't control this, and it will stay for months at a time. Sometimes I can determine the triggers for my latest episodes, but often it's just something that comes and sets. This time, I think I'm doing this because of a few RL friends of mine(no one who reads this journal). I like them, but they're the type who like to argue and debate, and I just don't have the energy to stand up to them. They have strongly held opinions, where even the little things are very right or very wrong, while I'm a person who just wants to love and be loved, accepting our differences.

I'm always worried when I fall into these apathetic states, they so closely resemble the 'grey funks' I used to get before a severe depression. And while I regret my actions, or lack thereof, while I'm being apathetic, I can't help but feel it's worth it if it helps me to avoid the months of severe depression I used to suffer from.

Basically, the point is, I'm not upset with anyone when I go missing for a while, but I just can't bring myself to do anything. It has nothing to do with anyone but me. I can't do anything but let this run its course, and if I can dig up enough emotion, hope things aren't damaged too much between now and my next resurfacing.

Comments

[lunarennui.livejournal.com]

oh sweetie, i SOOO understand. i do the same thing...even when i really like someone, when i get in a certain state, i just can't deal with interaction with ANYONE. i'm afraid to check email, i never turn on trillian (which, i might add, is why i'm not online often), i refuse to answer or return phone calls or letters. i just sit and...decay. avoiding thinking about anything, but miserable as hell. when it's at its worst, i can't read, i can't embroider, i can't do ANYTHING but wander fretfully from one abortive project to another--and if you really knew me day to day, you'd know that me being unable to read/do something with my hands is a REALLY bad thing.

i wish i could haul myself out there right now so you could just sit still and ACCEPT MY LOVE BISH!

;)

although just hearing it doesn't really help, try to remember that these things do pass in time, and i love you, so it'll all be okay...eventually.

*hugs*