![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I want to cuddle. I just want to grab someone and curl up next to them while I compute. I know it would just induce that warm glowy content loved and appreciated feeling. That is my absolute favorite feeling in the world. I really don't feel a need to fall in love, it simply doesn't fall in my list of things I want right now, but at times I would just about sell my soul to be able to cuddle up with someone and be content.
I'm really not a people person, most of them are to loud or high stress for me to want to deal with them, but I do love finding the occasional person I can be calm with. I don't require much out of life to be happy. I can find my own perfection and humor in the everyday things, all I want is to have these little moments of calm to be content. Give me someone else who appreciates it to share it with and I feel like I've hit nirvana.
It's a combination of this feeling, complete insecurity, and the utter depression I went through when we moved here that made me as close to Audrey as I am. I utterly immersed myself in her for the first five years of her life. She was my beautiful princess, my security blanket, and my happiness for much of that time. I spent hours taking care of her, doing her hair, playing with her, and teaching her to be a whimsical little girl. In return she gave me a way to avoid people who made me feel insecure about myself, an acceptance for my whimsical and often quirky nature (my family doesn't *do* whimsy), and she let me hold her when I got depressed or cuddly. Sadly she's eight now, and hit the age where she would rather talk than just be. There really isn't anyone else in my family who doesn't make me to tense, for one reason or another, to just enjoy the moment.
It's moments like this that I can really understand why people want to fall in love and get married. For all it's hassle and uncomfortability, it would be worth it to have someone to cuddle up with and enjoy the calm with every once in a while.
Abstract thought : I think that the reason a lot of relationships fail is people forget how to do that with each other. They get so caught up in the petty little "You didn't", "You did", "You need to"'s that they can't relax enough to enjoy moments like this.
Back to Audrey, it makes me sad to see her growing up. She's starting to listen to the other people around her; the ones who are so practical, common sense, and entirely to determined to be grown up. I find that so sad, considering I've fought against growing up for so many years. I know the real world, I know what's real and what's malarky. I can be just as tight ass grown up as all the rest of you, but I refuse to let go of the little bits of childhood I've managed to pull together out from under all those people who think of only the practical.
Audrey came up to me when she was seven, and told me solommly that I was silly, cause there is no Santa Clause. I wanted to cry. My parents, family, and the rest of the grown up world had been telling her that since she learned of Santa Clause (from me). When she was little she would tell me that Santa Clause wasn't real, and I would tell her that didn't mean anything to me because I chose for him to be real for me. I told her that you could believe what ever you wanted, and it didn't have to be real. When she was younger she would smile and say that she believed in him too. Now she, like everyone else, thinks I'm some odd, harmless kind of crazy. That makes me so very sad. I had so much hope for her.
I wanted her to be able to be a whimsical little girl. For a time I succeeded. We were going to live on Sesame Street when we grew up, and vacation in the Hundred Acre Woods. Now she says that maybe we can go to Disney land. She doesn't understand it's not what you do, but what you believe you'll do that will make you happy in life.
It's not that I'm delusional or anything, but there are certain things I'm going to believe because I want them to be true. I'm going to believe that cartoons like Sleeping Beauty are real. I'm going to believe in Santa Clause. I'm going to believe in Sesame Street. It's not that I'm delusional and don't know the truth, but I want to believe in them. So, they're real for me.
If nothing else, my whimsy makes me happy when I have little enough else to make me happy. Do you think you can accept that at least?
So, I'm sorry to have lost Audrey to reality, but I won't let her or anyone else's opinions stop me from being who I want to be.
I still believe in fairy tales.
I'm going to live on Sesame Street someday.
Sleeping Beauty exists in all her animated glory.
And I'm pretty dang romantic for someone who doesn't really believe in love, aren't I?
I'm really not a people person, most of them are to loud or high stress for me to want to deal with them, but I do love finding the occasional person I can be calm with. I don't require much out of life to be happy. I can find my own perfection and humor in the everyday things, all I want is to have these little moments of calm to be content. Give me someone else who appreciates it to share it with and I feel like I've hit nirvana.
It's a combination of this feeling, complete insecurity, and the utter depression I went through when we moved here that made me as close to Audrey as I am. I utterly immersed myself in her for the first five years of her life. She was my beautiful princess, my security blanket, and my happiness for much of that time. I spent hours taking care of her, doing her hair, playing with her, and teaching her to be a whimsical little girl. In return she gave me a way to avoid people who made me feel insecure about myself, an acceptance for my whimsical and often quirky nature (my family doesn't *do* whimsy), and she let me hold her when I got depressed or cuddly. Sadly she's eight now, and hit the age where she would rather talk than just be. There really isn't anyone else in my family who doesn't make me to tense, for one reason or another, to just enjoy the moment.
It's moments like this that I can really understand why people want to fall in love and get married. For all it's hassle and uncomfortability, it would be worth it to have someone to cuddle up with and enjoy the calm with every once in a while.
Abstract thought : I think that the reason a lot of relationships fail is people forget how to do that with each other. They get so caught up in the petty little "You didn't", "You did", "You need to"'s that they can't relax enough to enjoy moments like this.
Back to Audrey, it makes me sad to see her growing up. She's starting to listen to the other people around her; the ones who are so practical, common sense, and entirely to determined to be grown up. I find that so sad, considering I've fought against growing up for so many years. I know the real world, I know what's real and what's malarky. I can be just as tight ass grown up as all the rest of you, but I refuse to let go of the little bits of childhood I've managed to pull together out from under all those people who think of only the practical.
Audrey came up to me when she was seven, and told me solommly that I was silly, cause there is no Santa Clause. I wanted to cry. My parents, family, and the rest of the grown up world had been telling her that since she learned of Santa Clause (from me). When she was little she would tell me that Santa Clause wasn't real, and I would tell her that didn't mean anything to me because I chose for him to be real for me. I told her that you could believe what ever you wanted, and it didn't have to be real. When she was younger she would smile and say that she believed in him too. Now she, like everyone else, thinks I'm some odd, harmless kind of crazy. That makes me so very sad. I had so much hope for her.
I wanted her to be able to be a whimsical little girl. For a time I succeeded. We were going to live on Sesame Street when we grew up, and vacation in the Hundred Acre Woods. Now she says that maybe we can go to Disney land. She doesn't understand it's not what you do, but what you believe you'll do that will make you happy in life.
It's not that I'm delusional or anything, but there are certain things I'm going to believe because I want them to be true. I'm going to believe that cartoons like Sleeping Beauty are real. I'm going to believe in Santa Clause. I'm going to believe in Sesame Street. It's not that I'm delusional and don't know the truth, but I want to believe in them. So, they're real for me.
If nothing else, my whimsy makes me happy when I have little enough else to make me happy. Do you think you can accept that at least?
So, I'm sorry to have lost Audrey to reality, but I won't let her or anyone else's opinions stop me from being who I want to be.
I still believe in fairy tales.
I'm going to live on Sesame Street someday.
Sleeping Beauty exists in all her animated glory.
And I'm pretty dang romantic for someone who doesn't really believe in love, aren't I?
